We look at 10 songs about beards (and other kinds of facial hair). Sing the praises of awesome whiskers or help us decipher the weirdness of the more esoteric songs.
OBEY THE BEARD BY PSYCHOSTICK
Let’s kick things off with a band we’re sponsoring on the Evil Dumb tour, Psychostick. They’re now 3/4 bearded. They say the drummer is genetically incapable of growing a beard, but maybe the rest of that beardness will encourage his follicles to try harder. Like comedy, metal, and beards? Check ’em out.
SOMETHING 4 THE WEEKEND BY SUPER FURRY ANIMALS
“Five, six, seven, man I’m in heaven / And I’m growing my beard.” That’s not all he’s doing. Let’s just say he’s taking a little trip. But you know, Super Furry Animals may have finally grown into their name as they’re currently all sporting facial hair ranging from scruff to full beards. We’ve got perfect products for all facial hair lengths.
THIS BEARD IS FOR SIOBHAN BY DEVENDRA BANHART
Let us know if you can figure out what this song has to do with beards besides the title. But Dvendra has a beard, so maybe he’s just talking about his beard independent of the song.
MUSTACHE MAN BY CAKE
What can you say about the Mustache Man? If he had any more hair on his face, he’d probably rule the world.
SLEEPYHEAD BY PASSION PIT
“My beard grew down to the floor and out through the doors.” That sounds like way more than a yeard, but don’t be jealous. We’re not sure what it means, but it’s a nice image.
BEARD LUST BY NATALIE PORTMAN’S SHAVED HEAD
“Look at my facial hair / (Oh man, hot damn! It’s everywhere!)”
They say they shampoo their beard, but they’d better off with an Original Beard Wash.
THE OUTLAW’S PRAYER BY JOHNNY PAYCHECK
This country outlaw got himself booted from a church just because he had a beard, long hair, and blue jeans. And he wrote this little response.
BURNING BEARD BY CLUTCH
Good luck making sense of this one. But it does have the word beard in it, and the band is pretty beard heavy. Just please don’t ever burn your beard, okay? That’s definitely missing the point of our old adage, “don’t shave it, maintain it.”
IF YOUR DAD DOESN’T HAVE A BEARD, YOU’VE GOT TWO MUMS BY THE BEARDS
“Remember when you were 14 / Your dad taught you to shave / That wasn’t a very fatherly way / For him to behave.” We literally could have picked any song by these guys. It comes down pretty hard on the tradition of teaching your son to shave. A little harsh, guys.
WHAT I NEED BY THE PIPPLE BROTHERS (AKA TIM AND ERIC’S GOATEE SONG)
We’ve already heard about beard lust, so let’s close with goatee envy. Classic Tim and Eric.
Got any beard songs we missed? If you want facial hair worth singing about, we’ve got everything you need. We’ve got beard washes and conditioners that are better than shampoo, and Beard Saver, the original beard oil alternative. From those first growing pains, to keeping fuller growth manageable and smelling great, we’ve been making the products you need since 2005.
Filed under: Pop Culture