Check out these unbelievable facts about Ernest Hemingway and his awesome beard.
JAMES JOYCE SET ‘EM UP AND HEMINGWAY KNOCKED ‘EM DOWN
Ernest Hemingway used to go bar hopping with James Joyce, and when Joyce got into a fight, he’d call Ernest to finish it, crying out, ‘Deal with him, Hemingway! Deal with him!’ One time the other guy managed to land a shot right in the kisser, and Hemingway’s mustache shattered the poor guy’s hand in 17 places.
THIS IS OFF THE RECORD
The only reason Ernest Hemingway’s beard isn’t in the Guinness Book of World Records for its many accomplishments is that they’d have to rename it The List of Things Hemingway’s Beard Is Better At Than You. And that’s a book you could never finish writing.
HE WAS A SHARP KID
When he was 3 years old, Hemingway killed and ate a porcupine. It turns out the death was accidental. When he saw the little thing he thought it looked cuddly, and squeezed it tight. It would’ve been alright, except that his beard came in exceptionally early, and the porcupine bled to death when the toddler’s stubble pressed clean through its quills.
THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA
Hemingway broke several records as a fisherman, including setting the world record for most marlins caught in one day when he landed seven on his little boat. As it happens, he never even used a rod, instead tying a hook to one beard hair and making it grow and retract by sheer force of will.
FIGHTING FOR WHAT HE BELIEVES IN
While serving as a war correspondent during WWII, Hemingway impersonated a French colonel and took a small army into the city the day before Allied forces officially liberated Paris. He seized control of the Ritz hotel and set up camp at the bar. It turns out the French forces huddled up behind Hemingway’s mustache while he single-handedly punched out every Nazi in sight.
I’VE HEARD OF A THREE MARTINI LUNCH, BUT …
While president Harry Truman was vacationing at his place in Key West he visited Hemingway and stayed for lunch. One of Hemingway’s beard hairs accidentally fell in the soup and as soon as the president took a taste, he slumped over in his seat. He woke up the next day with a nasty hangover, and the Secret Service determined Hemingway’s beard had a hair alcohol content 300 times the legal limit.
THAT’S ONE KILLER BEARD
Hemingway’s beard naturally killed 99.9% of germs. The other 0.1% it just toyed with.
A ONE MAN COAST GUARD
After the Germans began sinking American ships in the Atlantic, the US enlisted private captains to be on the lookout for U-boats and report back to the Navy. Hemingway outfitted his boat with sophisticated sensors and patrolled the waters off Cuba, armed with a tommy gun, some grenades, a gang of bullfighters and athletes, and one wicked beard.
HEMINGWAY THE BOXER
Hemingway famously said, “my writing is nothing. My boxing is all.” Champion fighter Jack Dempsey toured Paris while Hemingway was living there as a young writer. He obliged many people who were keen to do a little friendly sparring, but, as he said, “there was one fellow I wouldn’t mix it with. That was Ernest Hemingway.” Some say Dempsey didn’t want to hurt him, but others say it was widely known that when you jabbed Hemingway, his beard jabbed back.
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END
Contrary to popular opinion, Hemingway didn’t kill himself. His beard warned him to put the damned razor down.
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