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It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s one hell of a beard!

Posted by Bluebeards Original on

What if superheroes had facial hair? What would it say about their characters, or maybe better what would their characters say through their beards? You can give us your own idea, but we’ll start you off with three bearded superheroes.

SUPERMAN

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The Man of Steel — or if Shaq were giving out the nicknames, “the Big Boy Scout” — is wholesome and humble and full of optimism despite all the horrible stuff he’s been through. He’d probably defer to his beard, open doors for it, and even somehow weaponize it if it could be used to save the world. But whatever the case, Superman with a beard would be pretty damn fantastic, and nothing short of a kryptonite razor could remove it from his face.

THE FLASH

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In the irony department we’ve got Flash. It’s hard to stand next to Super Man and seem impressive, but this cat is super fast. So fast, that he’d probably get a little frustrated when he realized his hair follicles don’t operate under the same rules as his legs and he has wait just as long at the average guy to get his beard where he wants it to go. Hang in there, buddy. It’ll happen.

BATMAN

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We know Batman as the Dark Knight, a brilliant detective known for his wiles and fisticuffs rather than superhuman powers. And he is only human, after all. Let’s face it: he’s a rich kid with money to spare, and he might actually enjoy hanging out with the hipsters in Williamsburg, designing cute logos for their artisinal brands (crafted with love!), and perfecting a handlebar mustache. How could a mustachioed Batman ever keep his town safe AND his identity secret unless he sticks to the streets of Mustache Central?

So those are ours. What have you got?

And while you’re mulling it over, now’s a good time to be the hero your beard deserves and grab some Wonder Beard Intensive Repair.

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Filed under: Pop Culture