Super Bowl XLIX: Bluebeards Original Makes the Pick
After careful consideration of all the available evidence, we’re ready to make our pick.
We looked at each quarterback’s situational performance, mobility, and the matchups their receivers would face. We reviewed hours of film, calculating the effects of weather, big moment pressure, and the effects of both quantum mechanics and special relativity. We ran our numbers by the statisticians in our accounting department, who crunched numbers that would make Nate Silver’s head spin.
We cast lots from an ancient urn, consulted the I Ching, and fed all of our findings through a supercomputer in Quantico till it smoked and sputtered and spit out the following results.
And in the end, it came down NOT to an intanglible (as sports writers so often think), but to the very tangible facial hair (or lack thereof) on the Seahawks’ and Patriots’ respectives QBs. Let’s see how they fared and what it means for the Super Bowl.
Tom Brady is a quarterback with a legacy of winning behind him, and … what’s happening with his hair? Not only that, but it’s too little too late with the playoff stubble. He couldn’t even pull off a decent Kip Winger for Halloween. The legacy will only get you so far, but for the sneaking suspicion that things don’t begin with Spygate and end with Deflategate, and for the barely-there facial hair, Tom scores 3 Deflated Footballs.
Russell Wilson, on the other hand? It’s not always pretty, but he tends to get the job done when it counts. I can relate to that. And he’s got a classic beard. That’s not something you see on too many QBs. He knows how to wear it. For a guy who knows to stay humble, look cool, and keep enough through the bleakest moments in a game to make the most improbable of comebacks (with a little help from his friends), Wilson gets 5 out of 5 fully inflated footballs.
A close game for sure but you can’t deflate a man’s beard…so Seahawks win 33–27
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