What if Classic Sitcoms Tackled Beards?
Check out our take on how four different classic sitcoms from the 70s through 00s might have handled beards: All in the Family, Cheers, Seinfeld, and the Office.
THE 1970S: ALL IN THE FAMILY
TITLE: “ARCHIE FACES THE FACTS”
When Meathead grows a beard and Gloria defends him, Archie threatens to put them on the street. He later meets an old friend and a respected war hero at the pub, and is shocked to find that not only does he have a full beard, but he’s actually in town to lecture at the college about the dangers of nuclear proliferation.
Archie: “Shaving your face is the American way. Beards are only grown by Communists who are too lazy to put the work into a proper shave, like that, uh, Karl Marx there.”
Meathead: “Communists, huh, Arch? Like U.S. Grant? Or Abe Lincoln?”
Archie: “Don’t you get smart with me!”
THE 1980S: CHEERS
TITLE: “FOR WHOM THE BEARD GROWS”
When Rebecca’s cousin Veronique, a fashion model visiting from Paris, mentions that she’s only attracted to men with beards, Sam refuses to go along, determined to win her over by charm alone. The rest of the men quickly try going facial hair with mostly mixed results, but in the end an unlikely winner emerges.
(Woody, with a full, lush beard, smiles as Veronique kisses his cheek and leaves.)
Sam: “Woody, well I’ll concede. But — how in the heck did you grow that thing so fast?”
Woody: “I’ll tell you, Sam: I just keep it fertilized.”
Sam: “Fertilized? You mean moisturized, Woody?”
Woody: “No. I don’t think so. It’s mom’s blue ribbon manure. Won top prize at the county fair 12 years running.”
THE 1990S: SEINFELD
TITLE: “LE POSTICHE”
When Kramer grows a beard and becomes a gigolo to the neglected housewives of the Upper East Side, Jerry’s girlfriend likes the look and pressures him to grow facial hair, too. George buys a “life-like facial wig,” but the glue irritates his skin and it won’t come off. Meanwhile, Elaine deals with the fallout of trying to market a mystery substance, accidentally purchased with the J. Pederman account, as “an exotic beard balm.”
George: (scratching his face) “But you said you thought this girl might be ‘the one’.”
Jerry: (animated) “I can’t become a beard guy! I’d have to buy special shampoos and get tattoos. I can’t ride a motorcycle!”
George: (scratching furiously and spinning wildly in circles) “Aaaahhh!”
THE 2000S: THE OFFICE
TITLE: “THE AMISH ACCOUNT”
Michael takes Dwight to help land an account providing paper for the largest publisher of Amish textbooks and newspapers. Back at the office, the power goes out and Jim leads the crew in “Pennsylvania Dutch Olympics,” which Angela finds offensive and records to show Dwight. Ryan starts a fire.
Dwight: “It’s not my fault they misinterpret the Scripture and speak some kind of post-industrial German.”
Michael: “You know what? I’m going to call you Toby now. That’s how much I hate you.”
Dwight: (sulking) “…”’
Michael: “I’m sorry. That was … that was uncalled for.”
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Filed under: Pop Culture